Wednesday, July 18, 2007


"KABUL, Afghanistan - (AP) Afghanistan's heroin-producing poppy crop set another record this season, despite intensified eradication efforts, the American ambassador said Tuesday.

Ambassador William Wood said preliminary data show that Afghan farmers harvested 457,135 acres of opium poppies this year, compared to 407,715 acres last year. The growing industry fuels the
Taliban, crime, addiction and government corruption."

As the Chief Lobbyist for the Afghan Opium Growers Association (A.O.G.A.) I have been authorized to extend our deepest thanks to President George W. Bush (P.O.T.U.S.), The United States of America (U.S.A.) and the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (N.A.T.O.) for making possible another record breaking year for our farmer-members.

And to think it has been only six years since the invasion.

The year 2001 had been a dark year indeed for Afghanistan's oppressed opium farmers. Afghanistan in 2001 was a theocracy run by a bunch of Muslim kooks. Opium production had been all but eradicated, reduced to a virtual zero by these fundamentalist cretins. But then came the Americans and, later, N.A.T.O. who have restored opium production to levels undreamed of even by our most optimistic farmers.

I suppose I should tell the truth. I should 'fess up' as you cowboys in America say, but never do. When the tragedy of September 11, 2001 occurred I, as Chief Lobbyist for A.O.G.A. saw an opportunity and siezed upon it.

Perhaps it was wrong of me to trick the Americans into coming to Afghanistan like that. Perhaps I should not have called up my old friend and drinking compadre, President Bush, and told him:

"George! George! Bin Laden's in Tora Bora!

"Bora Bora?" he replied. "Is that near Fiji?

"No, 'Tora Bora'. It's a mountainous region of northeastern Afghanistan.

"Afghanistan, huh? I heard of that place. I saw it in a movie once. This funny little guy with these big black glasses was runnin' a banana stand over there.

"That's right!" I said excitedly. "That was bin Laden! And if you hurry, maybe you can catch him!

"I'll smoke him out his hole, run him down and shoot him!" said George, as cowboys in America often say, but never do.

And with that he sent a whole army over to Afghanistan and they bombed the hell out of the mountains but they never did smoke him out, run him down and shoot him. But they did manage to kick out the Muslim kooks and restore opium production to Afghanistan, and for that we at A.O.G.A. extend our sincere thanks.

We are a landlocked country, and yet my friend President Bush has somehow managed to get the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (N.A.T.O.) to come guard our shores. Some of my friends in A.O.G.A. remain confused about this.

"Where are they gonna put all the ships?" they ask me. "We don't have any harbors! We think they should change the name of that organization to 'N.U.T.T.O.'!

"Shut up!" I tell them. "Don't look a gift acronym in the mouth!"

As a gesture of our gratitude A.O.G.A. is offering all citizens of the countries of our friends in N.A.T.O. 10% off on pure Afghan opium products. Please present your N.A.T.O. card at your local heroin distribution center to receive the 10% discount. As always, look for the "A.O.G.A." label. Don't settle for that Chinese crap.

So once again, thanks! And, of course, we don't expect you to stay forever.

The Russians were here for ten years and they never did find the ocean.


justin barker said...

Yes, I remember in early 2001 reading a blurb in the NYT which said that opium production had been nearly eradicated in Afghanistan. I snorted, "we'll be at war in Afghanistan withing a year" to a colleague standing near by. Then I put the paper back and returned to mopping the floor. My colleague, unimpressed, just figured I was some kind of nerd-dork. Now it looks more like I'm a prophet.

sumo said...

Emmm...opium...every potentates delight...especially George's.

Peacechick Mary said...

Opium, the religion of the masses. Somebody shove a truckload up Bush's butt, ok?

Lew Scannon said...

Weird how our bombs can find Afghani civilians, yet not one single opium field. Ironic how the Taleban, who had eradicated the poppy, is now using it to raise money. It's a topsy~turvy world my friend.

Lynn@ZelleBlog said...

For some reason I thought your blog was gone, Neil. So I haven't been here in a long time.

If I knew you were the Opium King I might have made it my business though to find you faster.

pissed off patricia said...

You guys better be quiet, or we'll send our drug czar over there to do something. I dunno what he'll do there exactly 'cause I don't know what he does here exactly. But, he'll sure do it.

JM said...

Wow; this kind of recognition from an esteemed group such as this in addition to his induction into the Terrorist Hall Of Fame as most inspirational leader! Times like this make you proud to be an American!

Nvisiblewmn said...

OMG, I am so blown away that the Shrub knew Bora Bora and Fiji were in the same region....

I am also blown away by how funny you are. I addicted to this blog!

Nava said...

It really was a bit selfish of you, Neil, to manipulate Bush into all this mess just for the benefit of A.O.G.A.

I share the shock of Bush making the connection between Bora Bora and Fiji.

Larry said...

Maybe the reason Bush is such a screwed up mental maize of zit cream, is because he served part of his illustrious military training,evolving in the aroma of those same opium fields of Afganistan.

Neil Shakespeare said...

Ah, capitalism!

Frederick said...

Ahh, da motion of de ocean...

Flimsy Sanity said...

Drugs and oil - both very insatiable, profitable businesses that I suspect are run by similar people.