President Bush's personal proctologist, former X-Man Fast Eddie Asspicker (pictured here with the president's personal anesthesiologist who asked not to be identified because he is not authorized to be out of prison), says he is well prepared for today's scheduled presidential colonoscopy.
"It's a dream job," said Dr. Asspicker. "I mean, who hasn't dreamed of shoving something up Bush's ass? Of course, people's dreams vary. One person might dream of shoving a baseball bat up there, another a rotisserie broiler and still another a Boeing 787. But I'm just gonna use a flashlight. Oh, and by the way, I prefer the term 'colorectal surgeon', not 'proctologist'.
The surgery, dubbed 'Operation: My Pet Gut', is scheduled for shortly after 7 a.m. EST, and was described by White House spokesperson Tony Snow as 'routine', a statement with which Dr. Asspicker took issue.
"Routine?" He said, visibly agitated. "Routine?!! Let me tell you this: there is nothing routine about Bush's colon! He THINKS with that damn thing! That means that, besides working around the polyps, we are going to have to work our way around all of President Bush's deepest thoughts! And those things are small! They are tiny, tiny little thoughts! I mean, what if I stab one accidentally when I'm pinchin' off one of them polyps? That thought will be permanently lost, to the deteriment, no doubt, of freedom around the globe! So there's a lot more pressure than in just a 'routine' asspicking!
While the president is under anesthesia and for a short time afterward to allow for the anesthesia to wear off (approximately 2 1/2 hours) Vice-president Dick Cheney will assume the powers of the president, including the powers to talk with God and to think with his intestines.
The Iranian military has been put on 'gut alert' from 7-10 a.m. EST, anticipating a possible attack.
"Two and a half hours? Is that all?" the Vice-president was heard to mutter. "Christ, I'm gonna have to bomb fast!
Nevertheless, all is expected to go well with 'Operation: My Pet Gut'.
"Oh yeah," Dr. Asspicker assured reporters gathered at Camp David, "shouldn't be any problems. Bush is a big ass, so he should be able to take it. If there's time we're gonna install a microphone in his rectum so he can not only think with his gut, but talk out his ass. I know there are those who say he does that already, but this should help clarify his words for the hard of hearing.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: The hand entering the picture from the viewer's left with the finger indicating the area of insertion into the president's anus is rumored to be that of the actor Sean Penn, who will be narrating a documentary of the procedure for PBS, to be shown at a later date. The choice of the middle digit to indicate said point of insertion has been criticized by leading Republicans, who have accused Mr. Penn of 'editorializing'.]