Saturday, July 21, 2007

OPERATION: MY PET GUT

President Bush's personal proctologist, former X-Man Fast Eddie Asspicker (pictured here with the president's personal anesthesiologist who asked not to be identified because he is not authorized to be out of prison), says he is well prepared for today's scheduled presidential colonoscopy.

"It's a dream job," said Dr. Asspicker. "I mean, who hasn't dreamed of shoving something up Bush's ass? Of course, people's dreams vary. One person might dream of shoving a baseball bat up there, another a rotisserie broiler and still another a Boeing 787. But I'm just gonna use a flashlight. Oh, and by the way, I prefer the term 'colorectal surgeon', not 'proctologist'.

The surgery, dubbed 'Operation: My Pet Gut', is scheduled for shortly after 7 a.m. EST, and was described by White House spokesperson Tony Snow as 'routine', a statement with which Dr. Asspicker took issue.

"Routine?" He said, visibly agitated. "Routine?!! Let me tell you this: there is nothing routine about Bush's colon! He THINKS with that damn thing! That means that, besides working around the polyps, we are going to have to work our way around all of President Bush's deepest thoughts! And those things are small! They are tiny, tiny little thoughts! I mean, what if I stab one accidentally when I'm pinchin' off one of them polyps? That thought will be permanently lost, to the deteriment, no doubt, of freedom around the globe! So there's a lot more pressure than in just a 'routine' asspicking!

While the president is under anesthesia and for a short time afterward to allow for the anesthesia to wear off (approximately 2 1/2 hours) Vice-president Dick Cheney will assume the powers of the president, including the powers to talk with God and to think with his intestines.

The Iranian military has been put on 'gut alert' from 7-10 a.m. EST, anticipating a possible attack.

"Two and a half hours? Is that all?" the Vice-president was heard to mutter. "Christ, I'm gonna have to bomb fast!

Nevertheless, all is expected to go well with 'Operation: My Pet Gut'.

"Oh yeah," Dr. Asspicker assured reporters gathered at Camp David, "shouldn't be any problems. Bush is a big ass, so he should be able to take it. If there's time we're gonna install a microphone in his rectum so he can not only think with his gut, but talk out his ass. I know there are those who say he does that already, but this should help clarify his words for the hard of hearing.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The hand entering the picture from the viewer's left with the finger indicating the area of insertion into the president's anus is rumored to be that of the actor Sean Penn, who will be narrating a documentary of the procedure for PBS, to be shown at a later date. The choice of the middle digit to indicate said point of insertion has been criticized by leading Republicans, who have accused Mr. Penn of 'editorializing'.]

16 comments:

Peacechick Mary said...

I understand Cheeny will have to kill the surgeon after the procedure as he, Cheney, claims to be the only hand up the Prez's butt. I like the microphone idea. Wonder if the words emanating from that region are British sounding or still Texas drawl.

Coffee Messiah said...

It's all Politics, he said.....

Ron Nasty said...

What are their chances of finding Cheney's undisclosed location while they're up there? Or maybe that's where "Turd Blossom" has been hiding these last few months.

Larry said...

I wasn't aware Bush had any deep thoughts, not even buried within the colon.

Graeme said...

wow. That gave me a healthy gut laugh. And then I forgot what I was going to type...

Lynn@ZelleBlog said...

Oh, that finger! That finger!

Did they take his head out of his ass while they were at it?

Joseph Ryan said...

They probably find the WMDs up along with the missing WTC7 tapes.

Aaron A. said...

Is Chaney going to be in charge every time bush gets penetrated?

JM said...

To paraphrase Bill Maher, it's not everyday that you get to use "George Bush" and "successful operation" in the same sentence.

Nvisiblewmn said...

Laughing at you AND Lynn ("did they take his head out of his ass....").

Chuck said...

HILARIOUS!

And JM- Too funny!

enigma4ever said...

Dr.Neil you have outdone yourself- artwork alone...

Neil Shakespeare said...

Thanks all for your comments. I'll put them in the suggestion box that was recently installed in Bush's ass.

a rose is a rose said...

some of your BEST work yet dear mr shakespeare

Blueberry said...

It's nice that procto-docs get to share their love too, just like the OB-GYNs!

Wadard said...

Wonder if the words emanating from that region are British sounding or still Texas drawl.

If there's a high-pitched Aussie accent, that's our PM — John Howard. It will take a better man than Dr Asspicker to remove him dare I say.