Tuesday, September 25, 2007


Well, I am out of treatment, finally. Maybe not finally, but at least for this time. It wasn't so bad. I got to meet Britney Spears and I even did a little art work to commemorate my most recent visit to Crazy Creek. The treatment shrunk my head a little, as you can see, but it probably needed a bit of shrinking anyway.

So how do you like my new look? Yup, it's a new Neil you're looking at. First thing I did was go out and get myself a new set of Wall Street duds, with a red-and-white striped shirt and a navy blue tie with a field of stars, suitable for my new job as a hedge fund manager.

Sad to report, but A.O.G.A. dropped me. They said I was dipping into the product, but that's a false accusation. It was just my normal, run-of-the-mill mental illness, and nothing more. It had nothing to do with opium, but people always think the worst of you, don't they?

They kept me awful busy there in the Crazy Creek asylum, what with the bingo and the electric lawn darts. And, of course, I spent lots and lots of time with Britney. Britney says she's going to become a better person, just like Paris said she was going to become a better person and then the first thing she does when she gets out is sue Hallmark for using 'That's Hot!' in one of their greeting cards.

Yup, rehab changes you...but not for long.

But I think I'll be different. I've seen the light now. It's time for me to go for the green. Some say the 'Green Movement' is growing in America nowadays, but that's nonsense. America has always been, and ever shall be, nothing BUT a 'Green Movement'. We are ALL environmentalists. Just look at our money! Well, true, the Treasury Department has been adding colors to the old 'greenback', but the predominant color on American money is still green. Yet, America doesn't have much time left, so I have to dip my hand as deep into the pot as possible before the world switches to 'Loonies' as it's currency du jour.

Yes, yes, I know, some of you will think I'm selling out, becoming a hedge fund manager and all, but I assure you that's not the case. As the old line goes:

"I'm not selling out, I'm buying in!

Oh, and also, I'll be moving to Canada. Well, I suppose there's always the possibility that they might not let me in, but that's almost as remote as myself.

I wonder sometimes what's to become of America now that Bush and his cronies have all but destroyed it. Well, maybe it'll recover in some form. England is still there, afterall, long after the decline of their empire. From what I hear they've even survived the emigration of David Beckham, although there are doubts that they shall ever recover from the loss of Posh.

I hear Nelson Mandela died while I was in the 'hospital'. Saddam killed him, from what I hear. And from the grave at that.

What else has been happening? Oh, I hear Alan Greenspan said that the Iraq War is 'largely about oil'.

Well, he's getting old. Probably the Alzheimer's talking. Otherwise he never would have said what he was told he was not supposed to say. Luckily, no one paid much attention to him.

I mean, when you have a whole society complicit in a lie, no one's going to pay too much attention to the truth.

That's what makes America great.

PICTURE: Central panel from "DRUG ST", Collage 2007, Neil Shakespeare.


michael greenwell said...

scotland was happy that beckham and posh were juyst further away than they were before

JM said...

Apparently rehab is the new black. I always wonder what happened to the old one.

Nava said...

Your shrunken head shows off your wide shoulders. I like the new look.

A.O.G.A. dropped you? I am shattered! gutted! The world of Opium will never be the same without you. Next thing they'll say you were in it for the oil, too.

Welcome back!!

Neil Shakespeare said...

Thanks all. Yes, AOGA dropped me because they said it was against their rules to have a chief lobbyist with a history of mental illness because it would reflect badly on their product. Hedge fund managers have no such rules, however. In fact, I believe it's required.

Graeme said...

we loves our lies!

Scarlet Witch said...

When will people become more tolerant of run-of-the-mill mental illness. Announce you've got some big hairy mental illness, and they're all over you. But just regular mental illness? Not so much.

Ain't right.

Blueberry said...

What can I get at the $1487.50 store? Is that where the military goes to buy a hammer? Maybe where the hospital gets those expensive aspirins? (or is it acetaminaphens?) The real price of a gallon of gas when you figure in the war and all? More likely, it's amount I will have left in my retirement account by the time I need it.

a rose is a rose said...

i don't care what others say. i've always loved a man with a small......um.......head

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