Today I mounted the new calendar. I got it free at the bank. Each month has a pithy saying. January's words of wisdom are from that ancient Greek philosopher, Andrew Carnegie:
"Think of yourself as on the threshold of unparalleled success."
Nice thought, Andrew. Thank you very much. Is that what you told all your steel mill workers as they entered the blast furnace each morning?
Ancient Andrew is not the only one who can dispense great wisdom. My neighbor lady does the same thing. I ran into her the other day and she says:
"So, Neil, what church do you belong to?
"Mabel," I replied. "You know I don't belong to any church.
"Well, I thought maybe you'd changed your mind. It's getting closer every day, you know.
"No! Death, silly!
"Oh, that. I don't worry about that too much, Mabel, because I am on the threshold of unparalleled success!
"Are you now? What idiot told you that? Say, I'd like to introduce you to our new pastor. He's a girl pastor.
"Well, SHE is a girl pastor.
"Are you sure?
"Oh, stop!" she said, whacking me over the head with her Lutheran Hymnal. "I'm worried that you're going to Hell!
It got me thinking. Perhaps I should be thinking more about my destination in the afterlife. Maybe I should, like, check it out beforehand. You know, like, do some afterlife shopping or something. Coincidentally, I needed a good New Year's Resolution. And the thing about any good New Year's Resolution is that you have to start right away, at the stroke of midnight.
I figured I'd start with the least popular afterlife destination. I called up my travel agent.
"Round trip to Hell!" I demanded.
"Sorry, we have only one-way tickets to Hell. The closest thing we have would be Iowa. You'll need a major credit card...
"Iowa? I've been to Iowa. Didn't seem like such a bad place to me.
"You obviously haven't been there during Caucus Season.