Tuesday, January 1, 2008

SHOPPING THE AFTERLIFE

Today I mounted the new calendar. I got it free at the bank. Each month has a pithy saying. January's words of wisdom are from that ancient Greek philosopher, Andrew Carnegie:

"Think of yourself as on the threshold of unparalleled success."

Nice thought, Andrew. Thank you very much. Is that what you told all your steel mill workers as they entered the blast furnace each morning?

Ancient Andrew is not the only one who can dispense great wisdom. My neighbor lady does the same thing. I ran into her the other day and she says:

"So, Neil, what church do you belong to?

"Mabel," I replied. "You know I don't belong to any church.

"Well, I thought maybe you'd changed your mind. It's getting closer every day, you know.

"My mind?

"No! Death, silly!

"Oh, that. I don't worry about that too much, Mabel, because I am on the threshold of unparalleled success!

"Are you now? What idiot told you that? Say, I'd like to introduce you to our new pastor. He's a girl pastor.

"He is?

"Well, SHE is a girl pastor.

"Are you sure?

"Oh, stop!" she said, whacking me over the head with her Lutheran Hymnal. "I'm worried that you're going to Hell!

It got me thinking. Perhaps I should be thinking more about my destination in the afterlife. Maybe I should, like, check it out beforehand. You know, like, do some afterlife shopping or something. Coincidentally, I needed a good New Year's Resolution. And the thing about any good New Year's Resolution is that you have to start right away, at the stroke of midnight.

I figured I'd start with the least popular afterlife destination. I called up my travel agent.

"Round trip to Hell!" I demanded.

"Sorry, we have only one-way tickets to Hell. The closest thing we have would be Iowa. You'll need a major credit card...

"Iowa? I've been to Iowa. Didn't seem like such a bad place to me.

"You obviously haven't been there during Caucus Season.

15 comments:

Frederick said...

Sounds like a fact finding mission is in order. Say hello to Satan's minions...especially Huck.

Graeme said...

Wonderful Neil. Just what I needed.

Happy New Year

Coffee Messiah said...

Yikes....I thought this was Hell?

Cheers!

Anon-Paranoid said...

Neil...
Best you look elsewhere to live in the after life. You don't want to be in the same area that Der Fuhrer Adolph Bush and the Dark Lord will be staying.

Thank you for your condolences.

God Bless.

Scarlet W. Blue said...

Ha, that will be my New Year's mantra: I am on the threshhold of unparalleled success. Thanks, Neil.

Happy New Year!

pissed off patricia said...

If you can get in touch with someone in hell, be sure they are going to have the new wing finished before the present administration passes on. There's gonna be a hell of a crowd coming their way.

Larry Jones said...

You might want to check out the Muslim afterlife. There seem to be a lot of willing virgins there. Even if you don't die a martyr (couldn't blame you for that, heh, heh), you could probably still score a few.

Daniel said...

Do not mock, Neil. Repent or be damned. Or be turned into a pillar of salt. Or see a burning Bush (preferably George Bush). Or be swallowed by a whale or be sent to Iraq. Or Iran. Or all three!

God is writing it down, Neil, every bad thing you say, or do, or think. With more than six billion wicked humans, He is kept very busy. He's worn out one hundred keyboards already (He gets them cheap from Dell because He's such a good customer).

The Day of Reckoning is nigh! I'll pray for your miserable soul!

Cheers and all the best for 2008!

enigma4ever said...

Hell...I bet they have great BBQ...I will be sure to share the sunscreen with you....

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