Avoiding any possible controversy that might come with a pardon, U.S. President George W. Bush had convicted perjurer "Scooter" Libby executed this morning by "The Exterminator" Tom DeLay.
At a hastily called news conference in the Rose Garden, Bush explained his decision.
"It was the Chinese that give me the idea," he stated. "I mean, here I was, worried about all the political fallout I was gettin' just from the computation...um, is that the right word?...no? What is it?...'communatation'? OK. From the com-you-na-tay-shun of Scooter's sentence and then I read in the paper this mornin'...well, OK, I didn't read it but somebody told me...that the Chinese, when they have a problem of this type, just execute their agency heads! And I thought, 'Wow! What a great idea!'
"I was worried, you know, about Scooter talkin' too much in prison, but this execution business solves that problem in a heartbeat. I mean, you can't talk without a head, right? It's hard to make your lips move when you're dead. So I thought, 'What psycho killer do I know personally who isn't doin' much of anything at the moment?' And then it hit me: who better for the job than "The Bug Man", "The Exterminator" himself, Tom DeLay?
"So we called in Tom last night and he got the job done right quick. And I would like to insure the American People...is that the wrong word too? What is it? 'Assure'? OK. I would like to assure the American People that these executions will not stop here. Brownie will be next and then Rumsfeld. After that I have a whole list of 'Candidates for Execution' that I had Alberto draw up for me. And then I added one more: Alberto Gonzalez.
"Ya see, the whole point of this is to have an open mind. To learn, even from your enemies. Just because they're Chinese doesn't mean you can't learn from 'em. And that's the secret to my success as an executioner. I'm an executive, you see, and that means I have the power to execute. It's important that I explain these things to the American People.
"Instead of a 'surge', which don't seem to be workin', I'm goin' for the 'purge'. Also, in this way, my historical legacy will remain intact, largely because them historians won't have anyone left to talk to.