Friday, July 6, 2007

THE LAST TIME I SAW PARIS...

...she was in the hoosegow. But now she's out, and I caught up with her on The Oregon Trail where she was filming another charming episode for "The Really, Really Simple Life".

Hi, Neil! I thought you were dead.

I was, but I've been resurrected.

Like Jesus? That's hot!

Well, kinda like Jesus. Anyway, how's it feel to be an "ex-con"? Does it mean you can walk into any biker bar in America and have instant 'cred'?

Yeah, but I could do that anyway.

True, true. So what did you learn during your time as 'The Virgin of L.A. County"?

Don't drink and drive. Well, maybe it's cool on these wagon trains. I mean, what's the worst you could do? Crash into a cow at two miles an hour? But don't drink and drive in a Mercedes. Go ahead and drink, but let your chauffeur drive. Jail is yucky.


Speaking of jail, I'd like to get your perspective on the Scooter Libby commutation.

Who? I thought we defeated communism.

Scooter Libby. You know, the guy from the leak trial.

That was the worst part of jail: taking a leak. And pooping was even worse. I was so afraid the guards would watch me that I didn't poop or pee for days.

So, as an experienced veteran of the penal system, do you think George W. Bush should have spared Scooter Libby the embarrassment of having to poop and pee in front of the guards?

Who? Is that the 'Aspen Clumps' guy? Yes, I am a little it cheesed about that. I mean, didn't he commit reason or something?

Treason?

Yes, that's it. Treason. Well, I don't know. I think treason is a little more serious than driving with a suspended license. Was he drinking at the time? If so, then he should be behind bars. Never drink and commit treason. That's what I say. That's my advice to young people.

And excellent advice it is. One final question: Do you think President Bush should have commuted YOUR sentence?

Who?


18 comments:

Larry said...

Accurate portrayal and with all her faults, Paris Hilton had the guts to serve her time, no matter how minimal.

Which Scooter Libby cannot say.

Nava said...

A bit belated -

W E L C O M E B A C K ! ! !

Anon-Paranoid said...

Paris like Martha have more balls then the Scoots does. I hope his children are constantly asked how they feel about their father being a Traitor.

Also I think that Scooter didn't want to play drop the soap with Bubba in jail.

God Bless.

Graeme said...

Like Jesus? That's hot!

Brilliant!

Coffee Messiah said...

Great execution! ; )

Peacechick Mary said...

I hear most Republicans will have nothing to do with Paris, 'cause you know, she has that French name. Poor little o' Paris.

Larry said...

Paris makes Libby and Bush look spineless.

Rick said...

Welcome back, Neil!

Getting right back on that horse and giving 'er another go, I see.

CV Rick

Neil Shakespeare said...

Paris is a Trojan name, I think. A boy Trojan name. And Hilton is Norwegian. So that makes her a something of a Norwegian Condom.

Coffee Messiah said...

OK, I haven't done this in years, but will collage more often. Seeing your words make it so much better!

Donnie McDaniel said...

Welcome back Neil! I have to update the link now. The Katrinacrat Blog and Little Purple Fooshballs will be linking. I guess my buddy, The Reaper, will be linking too. As soon as he gets over the hang over from my B-Day party yesterday. Great to have you back.

Mariamariacuchita said...

Neil, glad to see ya, sparkling with yer wit and savvy...just say no to drinking and treason.

Blueberry said...

With an intellect like that, she is obviously qualified to be President.

Larry said...

Neil Shakespeare you and your blog have been tagged by Lydia Cornell.

Go to Lydia's blog for further instructions.

Congrats: we're glad you're back.

Lydia Cornell

sumo said...

Neil...I don't think anyone understands Paris as well as you.

Nvisiblewmn said...

We may have to start calling you, like, Neil Plissken???

Neil Shakespeare said...

Invisible Woman: Neil Plissken? You mean like in 'Escape from New York' and the sequels and the prequels? OK, I'll change my name to Snake Snakespeare.

Sumo: Well, Paris and I have been friends for years. We have so much in common. We're both so shallow.

Nvisiblewmn said...

"Snake Shakespeare" is a bit of a tongue twister.

And yeah, everyone thought Snake was dead, too.