Saturday, July 7, 2007

THE OILY CRUCIFIXION REDUX REDUX REDUX

The Australian minister of defence really let the dingo out of the bag this past week, admitting that the Iraq War had something to do with oil.

Australian Prime Minister John Howard responded that his goddamn stupid defence minister ought to have his tongue cut out of his fuckin' head. To utter such a montrous notion was tantamount to treason.

Everybody knows that this war is about nothing but freedom. The powers-that-be took applications from all of the nations and peoples around the world longing to be free and said:

"Hey, how about those people in the sand down there?

But the American president said, "No, no, no. There's too much oil down there under that sand. Dick and I, you know, are oil men, as are most of the people in my administration. It might look like a conflict of interest if we chose to liberate those people of the sand. How's about we liberate those people being slaughtered in Darfur instead?

But the other leaders of the world said, "Don't worry, George. All the peoples of the world will understand that, even if you are nothing but a bunch of oil men, your motives have nothing to do with those 109 billion barrels of oil under the sand. Besides, if we told them it was about the oil, they wouldn't let us spill their children's blood and spend all their hard-earned tax money to 'free' (wink-wink nudge-nudge) the Iraqi people. If we told them that we'd have to pay out a trillion dollars of our own money in order to get our hands on the oil under that sand, not to mention all the mercenaries we'd have to hire, assassins and so forth. That would not be cost-effective.

"That's true, George," said the vice-president. "We can't let such a hateful rumor get started. I say we go with the 'freedom' thing.

And so it came to pass. All the peoples of the world believed them and the powers-that-be were able to use all of their combined military might - at taxpayers' expense, not their own - to blow the shit out of Baghdad and take over the country.

Now, more than four years later, we still haven't secured that oil...er, I mean, 'Iraqi freedom'. Worse, those goddamn Iraqi politicians are balking at signing that sweetheart deal we drew up for them that would greatly benefit western oil companies...er, I mean 'freedom companies'.

In fact, Iraqi oil production is down! Jesus Christ! Aren't those fuckin' bastards just the least fuckin' bit thankful for the fucking freedom we gave them?!!!

Halliburton already moved its corporate headquarters to Dubai, for Chrissakes! What do they expect us to do? Move it back? Where's the fuckin' cost-effectiveness in that?!

As you can see, I'm getting a little bit worked up here.

Fuckin' Australian defence minister!

Spreading goddamn lies like that...

12 comments:

Larry said...

Great post and excellent paraphrasing of the oil emperor, and his desire for world dominance with oil.

sumo said...

I have to agree with ol' Larry there. But why does it have to be in our lifetime? That means the global holocaust is ahead of us...you know...like the terminator. Jebus spare us anymore Awnuld than we can stand!

Liz said...

HAHA! Great post. Please see the film The US vs. John Lennon if you haven't already. History repeats itself.

Nvisiblewmn said...

I'd hate for the Shrub and his Cyborg to appear to have any conflicts of interest.

Hilarious.

Anon-Paranoid said...

Don't you know that resistance is futile?

F*ck them and pass the ammunition.

God Bless.

Coffee Messiah said...

How can there be a conflict of interest when you're working to bring Peace and Stability to the Middle East and you neglect your own supposed "Democratic" country? ; (

Lew Scannon said...

What a relief! I can now drive my gas-sucking-pig-of-a-car with the knowledge that the US government will always assure I have access to oil, even if it has to kill a half a million people to get it for me!

Comandante AgĂ­ said...

Glad to have you back in the blogosphere, Neil.

MichaelBains said...

Dang mang! Guess I gots to buy me a Hummer to do my bit for peace.

Oh well. Who needs to save for retirement anyhow. We'll ALL be dead before I get there.

Blueberry said...

he said this war is about OIL? The nerve and bad manners!! Besides, anyone in the world with oil should should turn their government over to one of our puppets NOW and be happy with those Freedom Flies they get in return. If their leaders have second thoughts, they can go to Youtube and search on "Saddam"

justin barker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
justin barker said...

justin barker said...

Anyone with half a brain knew it was about oil from the get go. George Bush has half a brain so you know he knew. I wonder about some of the Democrats who voted to get us there though.

All the countries who jumped on board are all full of people with half a brain so we know they knew. What I don't understand though is how they could have been so stupid as to think we would really share the pie.

Wait a minute ...(smell of burning coal and sound of metal grinding against metal) Maybe that's why it's being drug out for such a long time. All the "allies" will drop out and there will be no one hassling us for their piece.