Tuesday, July 31, 2007
THE MAILBOX OF THE KING OF THE WAHABOOBIES
I was on my way in to town and had stopped at the end of the driveway to pick up yesterday's mail when a beat-up Ford F-150 came over the hill in a cloud of gravel and stopped. It was my neighbor.
"I see you got a new mailbox," he says.
"Well, not new," says I. It was six months old already and I realized I hadn't seen my neighbor since the snowplow clipped the old one off last winter.
"Well anyway," he says, "it's pretty sharp. How much did she cost?
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe forty bucks?
"Yeah, probably $ 39.95. It wasn't one of the really cheap ones, but it wasn't the top-of-the-line mailbox either.
"I know what you mean. You can get some pretty expensive mailboxes these days. I wonder: Who has the most expensive mailbox in the world?
Hmmm. This was something I hadn't thought that much about. "Maybe Bill Gates?" I ventured. "Or maybe the King of Saudi Arabia?
"Saudi Arabia?!" he thundered. "Don't get me started on Saudi Arabia!
I could see he was suddenly quite agitated, so I wasn't about to get him started on Saudi Arabia, but I didn't have to, because he started himself.
"That's where all those hijackers come from! How many of those Iraqi terrorists that flew those planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were from Saudi Arabia? Tell me that!
"Um...I'm not sure...maybe...15?
"Sixteen!" he thundered. "Almost all of 'em! And those Iraqi terrorists that we're fighting now? Those suicide bombers? How many of THEM are Saudi Arabians?
I was ready for him this time. I had just been reading about that. "40%?
"Sixty percent!" he corrected me. "And who's financing those Iraqi terrorists who are 60% from Saudi Arabia?
"Exactly! It's the Wahaboobies!
"Isn't that what you call 'em? Or is it the Wahaboobists?
"Oh, you mean the Wahabis? Bin Laden's sect?
"That's right. The Wahaboobies. Seems to me it should be Saudi Arabia we're attacking! But what does Bush do? He decides he's gonna sell 'em $ 20 billion dollars worth of guns and hi-tech airplanes so they can what? Attack us again?!
"I don't think the King of Saudi Arabia is a...is a Wahabooby.
"He's not? Well what the hell are we doing supporting a King anyway? That Saddam, he was a King and we got rid of him!
"Actually, I think he was a 'President'. That's what they called him anyway.
"President, huh?" he laughed. "That's just like us. That's what we call our King over here!
I laughed. "There's some who say the election might have been rigged.
"I heard that," he nodded. "Bush & his cronies stole the damn thing.
"Well, I was talking about Saddam.
"And then he walks around Texas holding hands with the King of the Wahaboobies.
I was confused. I hadn't spoken to my neighbor in a while, but...
"I thought you were a Bush man," I said.
"I am NOT a Bush man!" he thundered. "I am an Republican!!
"But you voted for him, didn't you?
"What choice did I have?!
"Well, there was another name or two on the bal...
"That darn Saudi Arabia!" he said. "I think Bill O'Reilly ought to take his show to Saudi Arabia. They got a REAL 'War on Christmas' goin' on over there! In fact, they don't even HAVE Christmas! Well, gotta go! I got cows to feed!
With that and a wave he was off in a cloud of dust in his F-150.
I was left to contemplate my stack of advertising circulars and wonder how expensive it was, that solid gold, diamond-encrusted mailbox of the King of the Wahaboobies.