Thursday, July 5, 2007

NEIL SHAKESPEARE IS NOT DEAD


...but I see some guy in Thailand has boosted my corpse and stolen my name, so I have returned from the Undead to set the record straight.

I was a bit surprised when a friend emailed me under the title "WTF?!!", informing me of the theft of my persona, that Google would just let someone steal my blog like that, but apparently Google is a bit too busy saving everyone's data and giving it to the government. Of course now I can't get my old handle back because The Thief of Thailand stole it, so I had to settle for nshakespeare.blogspot.com.

I do apologize for leaving abruptly without so much as a goodbye to anyone, but I was so disgusted when the spineless Democrats caved in to Bush on ending the Iraq War that I figured, "What's the fuckin' point?".

So I had a few shots of "Isle of Jura" single-malt Scotch whiskey, deleted my blog with a quick click of my mouse down my shaky whiskey finger, and turned my full energies to my important work as Chief Lobbyist for the Afghan Opium Growers Association (AOGA). I've been spreading lots of money around Washington and I must be doing a good job for once again opium production is up, setting another new all-time record this spring after shattering the record in '06! And to think that as recently as '01 opium production had been all but eradicated in Afghanistan. Much thanks to the Bush/Cheney Cartel, NATO and all of the congresspersons whose palms I have greased for kicking out the Taliban and restoring free market capitalism!

Of course it's become much, much more dangerous over there now, with NATO bombing civilians left and right (but still, somehow, not managing to capture or kill bin Laden), so I have had to confine my lobbying activities to the U.S. Most recently I was down in Iowa, where I managed to slip a fiver into Bill's hand while Hillary was distracted by a conversation with Mutt "The Mormon" Romney and his fifth wife.

"Have a cheeseburger on AOGA," I said to Bill. "And remember us upon your return to the White House.

"Well geez, thanks," said Bill. "Darn Hillary's got me on a no-fat diet. By the way, what is AOGA? I'm not familiar with that organization.

"You will be.

"And what was your name again?

"Neil," I whispered. "Neil Shakespeare.

"Neil Shakespeare?" Bill gasped in astonishment. "But I heard you were dead!

At that moment the surging corn-fed and ethanol-fueled Iowa mob swarmed the ex-president and swept him away, but I knew that fiver for a cheeseburger was gonna go a long way in '09 when the Clintons resumed residency in the White House.

And who knows? I might need a pardon someday.

Or at least clemency.

29 comments:

Peacechick Mary said...

Oh my God! You're back... Wow, this makes my day. No, my whole week! Did you know Kvatch did a whole series on your sudden evaporation? Yep. He did. Don't ever do that to us again, ok? Welcome back - Grin, big grin!

Neil Shakespeare said...

Thanks, Mary. I promise.

Kevin Wolf said...

Okay, Neil. You're pardoned for disappearing on us like that.

Neil Shakespeare said...

Ah, sweet forgiveness! Thanks, Kev. Gonna take me awhile to catch up with everybody. Now I gotta learn all over again how to do links and stuff. I'll get 'em up there eventually. Long before this fucking war is over I'm sure.

Ron Nasty said...

Now I get it! We invaded Afghanistan because them neocons needed the opium to create their own reality, if you know what I mean. Thanks for clearing that up, and welcome back!

Neil Shakespeare said...

Thanks, Ron. Yup, there's two 'O's in "Neocon". One for oil and one for opium.

Blueberry said...

Back growing those Afghans out of Opium again? SUBSIDY!!!

Nice to see you back.

Graeme said...

AWESOME! Glad to see you back. I will update my link.

It was hard to part with my old blog name, but the Dems pissed me off too much. I had to be rid of them

Neil Shakespeare said...

Thanks, Berry and Blueboy, nice to be back. I can already feel my ass getting sore. Miss that feeling! Just couldn't let that guy Thaijack me and get away with it.

Larry said...

Glad you're back and ready to fight spineless injustice be it Democrat or Republican.

Lately there isn't much difference.

Kvatch said...

Neil! Thanks for the comment and the head's up that you're back.

You were greatly missed. In fact, I was so verklepmt I did a whole post in your honor.

Graeme said...

btw, regarding the post, I think NATO is just dropping bombs all over the fucking place and praying that one of them hits someone they can link to a terrorist cell.

a rose is a rose said...

hola. i was truly worried. i guess i shouldn't have been.

i have missed you but now you're back and all is right with the world (well, not really, but it's all ok for this moment)

welcome back dear mr shakespeare!

Neil Shakespeare said...

Geez, thanks all. I'm a bit overwhelmed. And golly, poor Afghanistan, huh? Let's see, we've been there 6 years now. The Russians were there for 10 years before that, during which time we gave billions to Osama bin Laden and now we can't find him. Well, I guess it's time for a birthday salute!

Anon-Paranoid said...

Hi neil...
Don't know ya, but if peacechick thinks your cool that's good enough for me.

I also will give you executive clemency, however you still have to pay your fine and serve your probation.

Oh yeah, you may not have to do probation since you served no time.

Silly me.

God Bless.

sumo said...

Neil Darling! Missed isn't the word! Like Kvatch said...VERLEMPT! Praise be to whomevah...yer back! Back on the ol' blogroll you are sir!

sumo said...

Just to let you know...I tried to comment on the above post and Blogger won't let me in...tried many times. You are probably being shut out by the Feds for the triple-screwrama you have going there...good by the way.

enigma4ever said...

OMG....I am so glad you are back...and now what to do about those Searchers I sent out to Afganistan to search for you....THIS was the best news in SOOOooooo long....Welcome back...you have to come back...because we missed you and need you- there was an empty hole here in Blogland and also at the Enigma Cafe, we missed your wit, your creativity , your wisdom and your sensitive side- the twist of irony...and yeah the same Dickheads are in charge in DC...and yeah the same ball-less wonders have not done jackshit towards impeaching the bastards...BUT we still have Blogland- much feared in DC....

and the frigging fact that here we are this 3 or is it 4th Summer blogging- and they are still filled with fear and loathing of bloggers makes my heart sing...

WELCOME BACK HONEY....WE MISSED YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW...now where is baby Geesus ? ( and Mambo Sven???)

many hugs....

Neil Shakespeare said...

And thanks again. Good to hear from all of you. And S., it may be because I was fiddling around with the format (wrong timestamp) that you couldn't comment on George Bushington, the Fucker of His Country.

MichaelBains said...

MAN! I'm SOOOO terribly happy to hear you've not Surrendered to the Thais! I'd thought that maybe you'd .. well, done what you done and got Fed Up, and that Thief Of Thailand development made me figure your Services were now being billed to the Thai Republic. Gawd knows they've a market for Afghan Brown.

GLAD you're back boss! I'll change that "In Memoriam" to your nouveau address, on the double! (I just knew you'd be back! :))))

fallenmonk said...

Welcome back fellow. I will have to change the blog roll but not too much trouble in exchange.

JM said...

Good to have you back, you had us all worried!

duhlusional said...

you sure you weren't sent to a black site in Romania and now you are a mole for the CIA sent to spy on liberal bloggers that hate Merika?

duhlusional said...

by the way I'm donviti (in sheeps clothing)

Blueberry said...

I made you a blogwarming gift over at my place. You can stick it up on your fridge or re-gift with the speed of a fruitcake.

Neil Shakespeare said...

Thanks, everyone! You warm the cockles of my...whatever. My cockles anyway.

Nvisiblewmn said...

Funny stuff.

The Viscount LaCarte said...

Yay!

Rich M said...

Wow, that happened to me too. It just took me longer to find my way back and with out the good results you seemed to have.

Welcome back. Glad I relocated this site. Or should I say found it again.