NEIL SHAKESPEARE IS NOT DEAD

...but I see some guy in Thailand has boosted my corpse and stolen my name, so I have returned from the Undead to set the record straight.

I was a bit surprised when a friend emailed me under the title "WTF?!!", informing me of the theft of my persona, that Google would just let someone steal my blog like that, but apparently Google is a bit too busy saving everyone's data and giving it to the government. Of course now I can't get my old handle back because The Thief of Thailand stole it, so I had to settle for nshakespeare.blogspot.com.

I do apologize for leaving abruptly without so much as a goodbye to anyone, but I was so disgusted when the spineless Democrats caved in to Bush on ending the Iraq War that I figured, "What's the fuckin' point?".

So I had a few shots of "Isle of Jura" single-malt Scotch whiskey, deleted my blog with a quick click of my mouse down my shaky whiskey finger, and turned my full energies to my important work as Chief Lobbyist for the Afghan Opium Growers Association (AOGA). I've been spreading lots of money around Washington and I must be doing a good job for once again opium production is up, setting another new all-time record this spring after shattering the record in '06! And to think that as recently as '01 opium production had been all but eradicated in Afghanistan. Much thanks to the Bush/Cheney Cartel, NATO and all of the congresspersons whose palms I have greased for kicking out the Taliban and restoring free market capitalism!

Of course it's become much, much more dangerous over there now, with NATO bombing civilians left and right (but still, somehow, not managing to capture or kill bin Laden), so I have had to confine my lobbying activities to the U.S. Most recently I was down in Iowa, where I managed to slip a fiver into Bill's hand while Hillary was distracted by a conversation with Mutt "The Mormon" Romney and his fifth wife.

"Have a cheeseburger on AOGA," I said to Bill. "And remember us upon your return to the White House.

"Well geez, thanks," said Bill. "Darn Hillary's got me on a no-fat diet. By the way, what is AOGA? I'm not familiar with that organization.

"You will be.

"And what was your name again?

"Neil," I whispered. "Neil Shakespeare.

"Neil Shakespeare?" Bill gasped in astonishment. "But I heard you were dead!

At that moment the surging corn-fed and ethanol-fueled Iowa mob swarmed the ex-president and swept him away, but I knew that fiver for a cheeseburger was gonna go a long way in '09 when the Clintons resumed residency in the White House.

And who knows? I might need a pardon someday.

Or at least clemency.