Monday, August 6, 2007


I had to go to Washington yesterday, to meet with Karzai. He was in town to have his picture taken with Bush, appear on a few talks shows, and brave the mosquitoes at Camp David. I met him at the A.O.G.A. offices on K Street. He greeted me warmly, with a hearty embrace.

"Neil! Neil, my friend!" he gushed. "My God have you been doing a good job! Another record opium crop again this year! I did not think it possible! How do you do it?

"You flatter me, Mr. President. How was your meeting with Bush?

He sighed, his happy mood gone. "That Bush," he said. "He listens, or at least he says he is 'willing to listen', and at times he even appears to be listening, but obviously he does not hear.

"Maybe he just hears what he wants to hear, which is himself.

Karzi laughed. "Straight to the point, Neil! Straight to the point. No wonder you are such a successful lobbyist for the Afghan Opium Growers Association. Bush does like to listen to himself talk, no question about that. But I wonder if, perhaps, he needs hearing aids.

"Well, he is getting old.

"True. True. As are we all.

"Well, not me.

"No, no. I didn't mean you, Neil. But it is frustrating, trying to communicate with the deaf.

"The deaf, dumb and blind, you mean.

"Yes. It is difficult. But not everyone can be Helen Keller.

Hmmm. That thought intrigued me. Helen Keller as President. Bush as Helen Keller. I could not let that thought stand.

"You demean Ms. Keller, Mr. President.

"Yes, yes. Quite true. And that Pinball Wizard by The Who as well. I apologize. What was his name?


"Yes, 'Tommy'! That was it. 'That deaf dumb and blind kid sure played a mean pinball!'


"Yes, Neil?

"We need to talk business. It's been great having the U.S. invade, and now we have NATO, but the future of the Afghan Opium Growers Association depends on their continued presence. And I'm afraid they might pull out if they capture bin Laden.

Hamid laughed. He laughed real hard. "Capture bin Laden?! Bush?!! Are you kidding me?! Not to worry, Neil. Bush couldn't find the finger up his ass, much less bin Laden! No, no. We'll have a continued U.S. presence for several more years, believe me. It's been wonderful for our economy. Which, as you know, is heavily dependent on opium production and U.S. foreign aid. I just want to say 'Thank You' again, Neil, for all you have done for Aghanistan's opium farmers.

"Mr. President, as you know, Afghanistan's opium farmers have been getting the short end of the stick. Even with all these record-breaking opium harvests, the farmers are still getting only one percent of the street value in Hamburg.

"I know, Neil. I know. And I sympathize. But the Iranians are taking such a large cut for turning a blind eye on the trade routes.

"Mr. President, all due respect, but I don't think you can blame this all on the Iranians. I want you to get at least, at LEAST 3% for the farmers or I'm afraid I'm going to have to authorize a strike.

"What? Neil, you can't be serious! The Afghan economy would collapse!

"Take it or leave it.

"Neil, Neil, be reasonable! I can try to get you 2%.

"Not enough, Hamid! Fair is fair!

Karzai sighed deep. "OK. 3% then. Tied to the Hamburg benchmark?


"Done!" he said. We shook hands. I was elated. In one fell swoop I had tripled the income of the Afghan opium farmers.

It was a productive trip.


Anon-Paranoid said...

I bet that Der Fuhrer{Adolph}Bush gets his opium for free. In fact maybe Karzai brought him a new stash this visit.

God Bless.

a rose is a rose said...

why else would he be so glassy-eyed?

JM said...

Dubya listens without hearing, and speaks without saying anything. I'm willing to bet he sucks at pinball as well. And while he stumbles around in his stupor, Uncle Dick continues to "fiddle about" and have his way abusing the architecture of government.

Peacechick Mary said...

Ohhh, I'm so happy for them. They can get that pack of Double mint gum they've been wanting.

Robert Rouse said...

Announcing the first annual Blog World Report Awards. Please drop by today and make your nominations in six categories. Thanks!

Aaron A. said...

How subliminal.
Why do I have an overwhelming urge to Nominate this blog.

sumo said...

Nothing like a good crop of opium I always say.

Graeme said...

brilliant Neil! great dialogue

Nvisiblewmn said...

I take umbrage at your comparison of the Shrub to Ms. Keller. For the record. He's a step up from a stuffed animal.

Lynn@ZelleBlog said...

I went to sleep on a street in Hamburg and nobody said anything for four hours.

Only now do I learn that it wasn't tolerant accommodation, but opium!

Anyway... what was Karzai WEARING, Neil? He's no Prada pope, but who was he wearing at Camp David?

Neil Shakespeare said...

He was in his, um...Carnack the Magnificent garb. Or maybe it was Suliemann...

Thanks, all.

MichaelBains said...

I small a Nobel prize!

Oh, wait. That's just my pipe a'cookin'...


MichaelBains said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MichaelBains said...

Must be teh Pipe. Otherwise I'd not've typoed "smell" as "small".

Iree, Neil!

kpn2010 said...

自助洗衣 洗衣店 投幣式洗衣機 洗衣設備 加盟創業 廠房 工廠 農地 土地買賣 農地買賣 廠房出租 廠房出售 工業用地 廠辦 租廠房 五金百貨大賣場 五金工具 電動工具 吸塵器 diy 營造公司 豪宅設計 別墅設計 建築設計 舊屋翻新 農舍 住宅設計 綠建築 蓋房子 自地自建 品牌行銷 CIS 設計公司 廣告設計 平面設計 桃園當鋪15 北區當鋪 新娘秘書 月子餐 滷味 月子餐外送 月子餐食譜 結婚金飾 鑽石婚戒 塑膠袋 塑膠袋批發 塑膠袋工廠 塑膠袋 塑膠袋批發 飛梭雷射 幼兒美語 兒童美語 桃園托兒所 桃園安親班 桃園幼稚園

kpn2010 said...

眼科 眼睛雷射 無刀雷射 雷射近視 台北辦公室 安泰登峰 商用不動產 廠辦 外遇 徵信 徵信社 桃園房屋仲介 桃園房屋買賣 104人力銀行 104求職人力銀行 1111求職人力銀行 找工作 求職 中古車 led招牌 招牌 招牌製作 法拍屋 油漆工 油漆工程 油漆粉刷 桃園土地 桃園房屋 桃園房屋仲介 桃園房屋買賣 桃園房屋網 桃園房屋 桃園房屋仲介 ISO9001認證 射出成形 無塵室射出 塑膠製成品 1塑膠模具設計 精密射出 模具開發 膠框 導光板 縫衣機塑件 外遇 徵信 展場設計 展覽設計 會場設計 104法拍網 大台北法拍屋 台北法拍屋 房屋仲介 房屋買賣 板橋法拍屋 法拍 法拍屋 法拍屋查詢系統 信義房屋 婦產科診所 印刷 上海旅遊

kpn2010 said...

辦公室 辦公室出租 律師 seo 關鍵字 關鍵字行銷 關鍵字 關鍵字行銷 汽車美容 food processing mixers frying machine patty machine vegetable machine 工廠風水 命理風水 居家風水 風水 風水地理 風水擺設 勘輿 陽宅 陽宅風水 辦公室風水 印刷服務 近視 眼科 泰國 近視雷射 眼科 印度 西班牙 京都 東京 法國 美國 英國 埃及 義大利 2歐洲 casino gaming machine gaming machine manufacturer slot game machine slot machine cabinet slot machine manufacturer 婚紗照 婚紗攝影 婚禮 結婚 禮服 seo

kpn2010 said...

104求職人力銀行 104人力銀行 104求職人力銀行 1111人力銀行 31111人力銀行求職 統一發票9 10月 中古車 中古車買賣 台北人力銀行 特色餐廳 景觀餐廳 親子餐廳 黃金價格查詢 金價查詢 黃金 黃金買賣 黃金價格查詢 今日金價 金價查詢 金價 黃金價格 google關鍵字廣告 網路行銷 關鍵字 關鍵字行銷 關鍵字廣告 壁癌 十分瀑布 台北民宿 台北旅遊網 平溪 花園餐廳 景觀餐廳 渡假村 螢火蟲 薰衣草花園 鐵道之旅 房屋貸款 信用貸款 貸款 外遇 徵信 徵信社 搬家公司 台北搬家公司 seo seo seo 網路行銷 網路行銷 線上客服 環保袋 sum中古車 中古車 中古車買賣 金價 二手車

kpn2010 said...

桃園房屋買賣 桃園房屋買賣 桃園房屋仲介 3D飛梭雷射 光纖美白除毛 4肉毒桿菌除皺 淨膚雷射 微晶瓷 網站設計 班服 團體服創意 T恤 T恤 團體服 POLO衫 圍裙 熱水器 三久 三久太陽能 太陽能 太陽能熱水器 三久 三久 三久太陽能 三久太陽能 太陽能 太陽能 太陽能熱水器 太陽能熱水器 省電熱水器 節能減碳 電熱水器 熱水器 衛浴設備 櫻花牌熱水器 包子 四神湯 宅配美食 肉粽 宜蘭民宿 埋線 針灸減肥 黃體不足 內分泌失調 團體服 團體服 肉毒桿菌 肉毒桿菌 禿頭 玻尿酸 美白 減肥 痘疤 雷射溶脂 雷射溶脂 電波拉皮 電波拉皮 皺紋

kpn2010 said...

健身中心 健身房 健身 Spa會館 美容spa 電波拉皮 飛梭雷射 淨膚雷射 植髮 微晶瓷 5雷射溶脂 雷射溶脂 醫學美容診所 外遇 徵信 徵信社 Biodegradable plastic Disposable plastic cups Disposable plastic cups Disposable products ECO products PLA Plastic Drinking Cups polylactic acid 包通 馬桶不通 清水溝 通水管 通馬桶 水管不通 包通 抽水肥 洗水塔 馬桶 馬桶不通 清水溝 通水管 通馬桶 抽化糞池 木工裝潢 居家裝潢 房屋裝潢室內裝潢 > 室內裝潢設計 裝潢 裝潢工程 裝潢施工 裝潢設計 舊屋翻新 室內設計 室內設計公司 室內裝潢設計 裝潢設計 水餃