Conceived as a forum to discuss ways to halt the rise in global temperatures and show President Bush's relatively recent embrace of the issue, the summit next month apparently will not signal any change in the administration's policies. -LA Times(Herewith follows a transcript of the President's press conference on his upcoming 'Climate Forum'.)
"Please be seated. Please be seated. Yeah, go ahead and squeeze one out before you sit down.
"As you all know, I have always been a great admirer of 'climate'. Climate. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Climate. I like sayin' that. You know, clouds and wind and rain and El Nino and stuff like that. Weather. Some folks call it 'weather'. You might know it as 'weather'. But I call it 'climate'. Because you got different weather in different climates, you see. In yer hot climates you got hot weather, and in yer cold climates you got cold. It's important that I explain this to the American People.
"Now some have been sayin' that we've been messin' around with the climate, through these outhouse gases and so forth. They say that we've been warmin' up the climate with our gases, and I lay that right at the feet of the Democrats. Everyone knows those Democrats are gassy fellas. I ain't sayin' the Democrat girls are gassy, although that Nancy Pelosi sure is. Stand next to her if you want an olfactory adventure. 'Olfactory'. Did you catch that? Do you all understand that? Or am I using to big o' words for ya?
"Anyway, there's some say this overzealous gassiness on our part...and we're not alone...Europe is pretty gassy, as are the Chinese. It's not all our fault. But it mostly is. The American People are a gassy people, I admit that. But we're a good people. Maybe just a little gassy.
"So to control our gassiness some folks proposed a while back the 'Kyoto Treaty'. That's Ky-o-to. K-Y-O-T-O. Oh, you do know how to spell it? Well, it doesn't matter cuz I refused to sign it, and I was the only one not to sign it, because I'm a man who stands on principle, and that means that sometimes, even if yer the only one in the world with the courage to do so, you gotta stand up for your God-given right to gas.
"God didn't give us gas for no reason. Sure, it might seem to some that God, in his infinite mercy, might have saved us from flatulence while he was savin' us from temptation and sin and death and so forth. But that's not how it works with the Almighty. He's Almighty, so I guess he figures he deserves to play a little joke on us from time to time.
"So now they tell me that, over the centuries, all of our incredible gassiness...and it's not just us, it's the cows too...we got lots of cows and all them cows are gassy...take it from me, I'm from Texas. We got some of the gassiest bossies in the world down there. Where was I?
"Oh, yeah. I rejected Kyoto cuz I got some pretty good ideas of my own. I'm kind of an expert in gassiness. It runs in the family, not to mention the Republican party. And I think with my gut. That's another reason I'm such an expert on gas. And, of course, I was in the oil business.
"My idea is this. I'm gonna convene here in Washington my own private 'Climate Forum'. Condi's gonna chair the event, and I'm gonna give one of my great speeches there. We're sendin' out invitations to all of the G-8's and we're even gonna invite the G-9's through the G-12's. Maybe the G-13's. We should be able to get a Bingo there somewhere. Heh-heh. That's a joke.
"So I've sent out the invitations and they go somethin' like this:
"Say, why don't all you guys and gals come over to my place and after we get our pictures taken holdin' hands and so forth so it looks like we're doin' somethin' we'll all sit down and I'll tell ya what we're gonna do.
"I'm callin' it 'BUSHFEST '07'! We'll all sit around the campfire, cook up some baked beans and contribute to global warming. It's a good cause, and I appreciate y'all's support. With your help we can drive it up another notch or two. Thank you. And now, to show you that I'm not just whistlin' Kyoto here, I'm gonna let one rip.
"Helen, you might wanna put on yer gas mask. I think this one's gonna reach the second row.