Saturday, July 14, 2007

A NUT FEELING

Homeland Insecurity Chief Michael Chertoff said this week that he had a 'gut feeling'. His 'gut feeling' was that there was going to be a terrorist attack somewhere in the U.S. this summer.

Of course Chertoff isn't the only one in this administration that has these gut feelings. Gut feelings are something of a point of honor in the Bush camp. The President has gut feelings all the time. His whole foreign policy is based on gut feelings. Why bother to use your brain when you have such wise, wonderful, deep-feeling guts?

Back in the old days, back in ancient Greece, guts were taken very seriously. Back then the charlatans of the day could actually read guts, or so they told the common folks. They would cut open a dove and read its guts. And the ancient Greeks actually believed they could do this; slit open a dove's guts and read it like the New York Times. They went to war over what those charlatans told them they read on the front page of 'The Dove's Guts', just as The American People were talked into going to war over a 'gut feeling'.

I sure hope when Bush dies they cut him open and read his guts, because his bowels seem to be the only part of his brain that he's using, and I'm sure he's keeping secrets down there.

Still, I don't quite understand this thing about making decisions with your guts.

I, too, have a 'gut feeling' from time to time, usually in the morning, right after my first cup of coffee. Whenever I have one of these gut feelings my first thought is: "I must invade Iraq!". But one must be careful not to jump to conclusions with your guts. It might, just might, be something else. Hmmm. Yes, it could mean that a terrorist attack is imminent! Yes, that's it! I must tell the nation!!

But my gut feeling just keeps getting worse and worse the longer I keep trying to comprehend what it's telling me! The pressure in my gut becomes so intense that I feel I'm about to explode! Finally, I can contain my gut feeling no longer and must go, as my father used to say, "Where even the Emperor must go on foot."

There, in that place, I let my guts do the talking. My deepest gut feelings surge out of me! Ah! What a relief!

I believe I shall recommend this practice to the President.

"Dear Mr. Bush," I shall begin, using the closest available piece of paper, a sheet of Super Absorbent Quilted Northern 4-ply, "I believe I have found an ancient remedy for your gut feelings. Perhaps you can also pass this valuable piece of intelligence on to your Cabinet officers.

Of course, I have feelings other than gut feelings, too. Occasionally I'll have a 'nut feeling'. Sometimes this feeling is in both of my nuts. My nut feeling tells me:

"Piss on this scheisskopf!

14 comments:

Coffee Messiah said...

Duchamp would be proud of this post! ; )

Lew Scannon said...

I don't undersstand how draft evading chickenhawks can make such evaluations, since they don't even have the guts to back up their beliefs.

michael greenwell said...

LMAO - Whenever I have one of these gut feelings my first thought is: "I must invade Iraq!"

Peacechick Mary said...

Great post, lotsa guts and I'm big into guts these days. It is interesting that the AWOL man with no guts or fortitude when it comes to serving his country has such strong willful guts now. Maybe he's bulimic or somethin.

Neil Shakespeare said...

I was wondering about that too. Since he has no guts, how can think with his guts? But then it occurred to me that this makes sense. He's thinking with his void!

Larry said...

Maybe if a neocon has a "gut feeling" instead of relieving themselves on the commode, it prompts them to lie.

enigma4ever said...

OMG;....you are killing me...too good, and I just recovered from Condi and the golf....priceless...

( I hate CherryOff- he is such a frigging toad- and at some point I really really want the goods to come out on the connection between Cherry/ Rudy and Bernard Kerick....hmmmm time will tell)

Nava said...

Duchamp is rolling in his grave right now, by the juxtaposition of Bush with his art.

And, when you do go to Bush with your gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh and of 4-ply, make sure you take the one with Aloe-Vera. Much more efficient for presidential gut-feelings.

Blueberry said...

I think the fact that his gut is doing the thinking AND the talking it might explain some of the incredibly stupid and inarticulate utterings that are now on the record books.

Kvatch said...

I, too, have a 'gut feeling' from time to time, usually in the morning, right after my first cup of coffee.

Oh...me too. In fact, for a while I thought that I'd go into government service, but then I realized that it would mean a steady diet of kimchi and pickled herring. I just couldn't face that.

Graeme said...

damn those gut feelings

Nvisiblewmn said...

The Jedi (my boys) just came in to see why I'm laughing so hard. Good post!

a rose is a rose said...

my gut is churning as i type (i'm sure it has NOTHING to do with the two 24 oz GREAT ONES from dunkin' donuts i just downed)

Neil Shakespeare said...

Thanks all for your comments.