A NUT FEELING

Homeland Insecurity Chief Michael Chertoff said this week that he had a 'gut feeling'. His 'gut feeling' was that there was going to be a terrorist attack somewhere in the U.S. this summer.

Of course Chertoff isn't the only one in this administration that has these gut feelings. Gut feelings are something of a point of honor in the Bush camp. The President has gut feelings all the time. His whole foreign policy is based on gut feelings. Why bother to use your brain when you have such wise, wonderful, deep-feeling guts?

Back in the old days, back in ancient Greece, guts were taken very seriously. Back then the charlatans of the day could actually read guts, or so they told the common folks. They would cut open a dove and read its guts. And the ancient Greeks actually believed they could do this; slit open a dove's guts and read it like the New York Times. They went to war over what those charlatans told them they read on the front page of 'The Dove's Guts', just as The American People were talked into going to war over a 'gut feeling'.

I sure hope when Bush dies they cut him open and read his guts, because his bowels seem to be the only part of his brain that he's using, and I'm sure he's keeping secrets down there.

Still, I don't quite understand this thing about making decisions with your guts.

I, too, have a 'gut feeling' from time to time, usually in the morning, right after my first cup of coffee. Whenever I have one of these gut feelings my first thought is: "I must invade Iraq!". But one must be careful not to jump to conclusions with your guts. It might, just might, be something else. Hmmm. Yes, it could mean that a terrorist attack is imminent! Yes, that's it! I must tell the nation!!

But my gut feeling just keeps getting worse and worse the longer I keep trying to comprehend what it's telling me! The pressure in my gut becomes so intense that I feel I'm about to explode! Finally, I can contain my gut feeling no longer and must go, as my father used to say, "Where even the Emperor must go on foot."

There, in that place, I let my guts do the talking. My deepest gut feelings surge out of me! Ah! What a relief!

I believe I shall recommend this practice to the President.

"Dear Mr. Bush," I shall begin, using the closest available piece of paper, a sheet of Super Absorbent Quilted Northern 4-ply, "I believe I have found an ancient remedy for your gut feelings. Perhaps you can also pass this valuable piece of intelligence on to your Cabinet officers.

Of course, I have feelings other than gut feelings, too. Occasionally I'll have a 'nut feeling'. Sometimes this feeling is in both of my nuts. My nut feeling tells me:

"Piss on this scheisskopf!