VIETIRAQ

This war has gone on for so long now that I, like most members of the current administration, can't recall specifically exactly how many years ago it was that Junior told us that Iraq was nothing like Vietnam. Four? Five years?

When I heard him say that - and again, I can't recall how long ago this was, where I was exactly, nor with whom...my mind is weak - I thought:

"Yes, that's so true. In Vietnam we had 'escalation'. In Iraq we have 'surge'. Big difference. And although both are extremely warm environments, one is a lot more humid than the other. And one has more trees, and less sand. One is in the Middle East and the other is in the Far East. 'East of what?' you might ask, but that won't do you any good, because I can't recall. And we killed a lot more people in Vietnam, ours and theirs. True, the Iraq War is scheduled to go on forever, so maybe we'll catch up on the killing, but so far they are completely different in that regard.

Junior was right, as always, all those years ago. It was a slam dink. Vietnam and Iraq were as different as night and...geez, I can't recall. What is it that comes between night and night? Oh well. I'm sure it will come to me.

But now, I hear tell, Junior's changed his tune. Now he's been telling the Legionnaires that Iraq IS like Vietnam!

WHAT?!!! Imagine my confusion, although you, yourself, are probably too confused to aid me in my confusion.

But that's no problem, because here in the mental hospital they give us lots of time to think, and it's been raining a lot lately, so that helps the brain too.

I've had to give up all of the ill-conceived notions that Junior gave me all those years ago and turn my attention to the new set of ill-conceived notions he's given me. (He's always having to explain things to me like a child, Junior is.) It's taken me a couple of days, but I've managed to wrassle this hog of thought to the ground and, by golly, I find that Junior is right again. Iraq IS like Vietnam! Exactly like it!

#1 - Iraq is exactly like Vietnam because we got into both of them for the wrong reasons, led astray by dimwitted leaders deep in the pockets of the bankers and the corporations.

#2 - Iraq is like Vietnam because neither one of them attacked us!

#3 - Iraq is exactly like Vietnam because we get to try out our new weapons on live human beings!

#4 - Something about oil.

#5 - It gives our young people something to do! I mean, what better way for young people to let off steam that giving them guns and letting them shoot people? And if they weren't doing it over there, they'd be doing it over here! Some of them DO do it over here, from what I've been reading. Quite a few, in fact. And those people should be sent to Iraq, because they're already skilled at shooting people.

Oh, and there's lots more reasons too. But I'm keeping those a secret, because you don't want to show the enemy your playbook! Junior taught me that, too. So I zealously guard my playbook from the other inmates here, and also from the guards. I'm pretty sure that Johnson is al Qaeda. And the warden here, he kinda looks like Ho Chi Minh.

Well, I've gotta go. The attendants are here now and I guess it's time for Bingo. I'm glad Junior helped me resolve my confusion issues, because you need a sharp, crisp mind for Bingo. The numbers come at you so fast.

Psychiatrist's Note: After several days, and a complete psychological evaluation, Mr. Shakespeare has been found to have a severe case of 'Bush Fatigue'. Luckily, we were able to diagnose the condition before he went utterly mad. He has been placed on appropriate medication and the staff of this hospital has determined that Mr. Shakespeare should be allowed to use a computer, but BY NO MEANS is he to be given a pencil, pen NOR ANY OTHER SHARP OBJECT.