Thursday, August 30, 2007

WHO WON THE COW?

When Mr. Stoddard arrived, he walked through the festival surrounded by a three-man British and Australian security team armed with assault rifles. “Who won the cow? Who won the cow?” shouted Mr. Stoddard, 38, a burly former food broker from Provo, Utah. “Was it a girl or a guy?” (NYT 8/26/07)
As Chief Lobbyist for the Afghan Opium Growers Association (A.O.G.A.), I have been delegated to extend thanks from our member farmers to U.S. President George W. Bush for sending us Mr. Loren Stoddard, whose best idea for winning the current Opium War is to raffle off a cow.

On Wednesday, Mr. Stoddard and Rory Donohoe, the director of the American development agency’s Alternative Livelihoods program in southern Afghanistan, attended the first “Helmand Agricultural Festival.” The $300,000 American-financed gathering in Lashkar Gah was an odd cross between a Midwestern county fair and a Central Asian bazaar, devised to show Afghans an alternative to poppies.

Under a scorching sun, thousands of Afghan men meandered among booths describing fish farms, the dairy business and drip-irrigation systems. A generator, cow and goat were raffled off.
OK, yes. AND a goat. AND a generator. A cow and goat generator, I presume. I'm sure that, as soon as they get that cow and goat generator to start generating lots of cows and goats, the member farmers of A.O.G.A. will be giving up opium growing for good.

One of our farmer members asked me, "Where do they find these idiots?"

"Well," I replied, "in this case, Utah. That's Mormon country. Nothing BUT idiots out there.

Of course Mr. Stoddard is probably the best that the Bush team can do. I mean, with the recent departures of Gonzalez and Rove, how many rats do they have left? Still, Mr. Stoddard is eminently qualified, according to the article in the New York Times:

Mr. Stoddard helped Wal-Mart move into Central America in his previous posting.
Yes, just as Brownie was uniquely qualified to run F.E.M.A. because of his vast experience in horse show judging, Mr. Stoddard is obviously the right man to run the War on Opium in Afghanistan, what with bringing Wal-Mart to Central America and all.

But the REAL strategy behind the Bush administration's War on Opium in Afghanistan is far, far trickier than that. Their strategy seems to be to flood the world market with heroin, thus driving prices down and leaving the poor farmers with no alternative but to milk fish.

Mr. Stoddard predicted that poppy production had become so prolific that the opium market was flooded and prices were starting to drop. “It seems likely they’ll have a rough year this year,” he said, referring to the poppy farmers. “Labor prices are up and poppy prices are down. I think they’re going to be looking for new things.”
Now that's 'BUSH LOGIC' at it's finest! I can just hear the conversation in the White House:

"Mr. President, who should we send to Afghanistan to head up the War on Opium?

"Well, who do we have left?

"Well, we do have this fellow from Utah who helped bring Wal-Mart to Central America.

"He did THAT?! Now how in the hell did he do THAT?! If he can bring Wal-Mart to Central America, then he's obviously the right man for ending the opium trade in Afghanistan!

"Yes, Mr. President. He already has some brilliant ideas, like raffling off a cow, for example.

"Raffling off a cow?! Why, that IS brilliant! Sign him up!

And so, once again, on behalf of the member farmers of A.O.G.A., a hearty thank you to the Bush administration for sending us Mr. Stoddard and making all of our dairy cow dreams come true.

24 comments:

a rose is a rose said...

you do know if there were no poppies, there would be NO wizard of oz dang it!

fallenmonk said...

You never did tell us who won the cow or the goat! What a tease.

JM said...

Ignoring the advice of esteemed diplomat Bartholomew Simpson, who specifically suggested NOT to have a cow.

Anon-Paranoid said...

Just think, now with the cow dung they can also grow their own mushrooms.

God Bless.

Montag said...

There was an article about cheese producers who are worried about how climate change is going to effect their business on NPR the other day.

An interesting claim that was made is that you can taste, in fine cheese, the flavors of the plants the dairy cows eat, and that there are variations in the flavor of a producer's cheese depending upon what time of year the milk was gotten.

I guess what I am trying to say is: feed the opium poppies to the dairy cow, and perhaps when we eat the cheese from it we'll forget all about the opium war and climate change!

Neil Shakespeare said...

definitely i think organic fertilizer is much better for the opium, and besides, we like to "go green" whenever we can. here at A.O.G.A. we like to think we are responsible stewards of the environment. and that cheese idea ain't bad either. i'll have to tell old Stoddard about that...

MichaelBains said...

Being from the Midwestern state of Ohio, I'd certainly buy OH. Opium Havarti.

I supposed if I don't finish it all the first night, and it gets left out to dry out, as cheeses are wont to do, I could then smoke the remainder, thus avoiding re-earning of the lable of American Wastrel.

Awesome idea! Go A.O.G.A.! Go Utah!! Go BU$H!!!

enigma4ever said...

hmmmm, I can just smell the BBQ now...I will put fresh poppies on the table....oh Neil..you are toooooo funny.....( so who did win the cow....or the goat?)

Robert Rouse said...

The Blog World Report Awards have been announced and you are a winner! Congratulations!

Blueberry said...

So... the cow and goat are going to eat up the farmer's opium crop, and then what? Feel really good for awhile and then die?

I think the generator will be used to generate more opium.

Did you notice that TSAR is an anagram of RATS? I think that Bush is generating RATS, but not the nice, rodent variety.

Flimsy Sanity said...

I don't know which is more fun to read - your posts or the comments you inspire.

Chuck said...

Congratulations on the Blog World Report Awards Neil!

Larry said...

Wouldn't you like to see Bush riding a goat?

Anon-Paranoid said...

Congrats on your Blog Award Neil.

That will look nice along side your AOGA Certificate.

God Bless.

michael greenwell said...

hello again

for some reasons blogger won't let me post coments on here properly.

i am still reading it.

sumo said...

I'd rather see the goat ride Bush.

Graeme said...

beautiful

liberated psych said...

Is that Bush in the cheerleader outfit? I thought he cheered for Yale.

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