Friday, January 11, 2008


BETHLEHEM, West Bank, Jan 10 (Reuters) - Passing through a tiny "Door of Humility", U.S. President George W. Bush made a pilgrimage to the traditional birthplace of Jesus on Thursday in the occupied West Bank.
"Door of Humility", huh? Geez, that must have been a bit of a stretch for Mr. Crisp.

I hadn't heard much about my hero of late. I guess I assumed he must be out mountain biking or cutting brush or masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom to naked pictures of Karl, but here he was showing up in Bethlehem to visit the Baby Jesus. Alas, the Baby Jesus wasn't there. I happen to know where the Baby Jesus is. He's hanging out with Roger Clemens in an undisclosed location until this steroid thing blows over. He is unequivocally denying everything, hoping to buy time so those needle marks in his ass have time to heal.

But Mr. Crisp didn't know that, of course. Too bad. I could have saved him a trip.

Then again maybe it's good for Mr. Crisp that he didn't know. Maybe it's good for him to get out for awhile, to get away, to try to put a shine on that badly tarnished legacy. Nixon did the same thing and look what it did for his.

And Mr. Crisp had arrived in The Holy Land just in time, just when Iran was attacking our mighty warships with speedboats. It gave Mr. Crisp an opportunity to hammer home his point of what a danger Iran posed to world security, what with all those powerful speedboats of theirs.

Next summer I think I'm going to buy a couple of speedboats and take over the Great Lakes. I probably won't even have to fire a shot.

The U.S. Coast Guard, I'm sure, will cower in my wake, afraid of all those "Born to be Crisp" bumper stickers plastered all over my stern.

But wait! I'm letting my pride get carried away with me. No, that sounds like something Mr. Crisp would say, like that time he was campaigning in Wisconsin and he said, "Wisconsin: Where Wings Take Dream!". I like that one. That's always been one of my favorites from "Little Visits With Mr. Crisp". That and the time he was disparaging the laziness of the French and said, "The French have no word for entrepreneur."

True, "I'm letting my pride get carried away with me" isn't nearly as crisp as the wise and pithy sayings of Mr. Crisp, but at least I'm starting to get a bit of a crackle going. And I'm starting to have some good, crisp ideas, like that conquering the Great Lakes with a few speedboats thing.

Other crisp ideas I've had lately are 1) PICTURELESS POSTCARDS (I think they'll be a big hit), and 2) CHILDPROOF SANDWICHES.

Ah, but it's good to hear some news about Mr. Crisp again!

He so inspires me.

I am so inspired right now, in fact, that I can't wait for the sun to come up so I can go out and buy a new door, a "Door of Humility", so I can go through it, just like Mr. Crisp.

Do they carry those at Home Depot, do you suppose?


Montag said...

Heheh. you said, "all over my stern."

I thought this quote from a few days ago was especially crisp:

"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be -- hold hands."

Coffee Messiah said...

He's taken traveling abroad to a new level......

one that continues to sink 4 him!

At least he's consistent, if that matters at all.

Larry Jones said...

Some will criticize him for waiting seven years before traveling to Israel, but I'm sure he had a high-priority secret peace plan all along: demolish a few nearby countries, show 'em a little shock and awe, then give 'em that deranged smirk and hand 'em the pen. They'll sign anything.

Lew Scannon said...

There's not too many Coast Guard Stations left on the Great Lakes, so it should be no problem taking them over.

Neil Shakespeare said...

You think two speedboats will be enough? Maybe I should get five, just in case, one for each of the lakes.

a rose is a rose said...

coincidentially, i'm wearing my


tshirt as i'm reading this

fallenmonk said...

I too felt the need for a "Door of Humility" so I went right out to Home Despot and was lucky enough to get the last one they had in stock. It is really great. It has a larger than life picture of the Lone Ranger and Silver painted right on the screen and what are purported to be the the magic words "Wonder Bread builds strong bodies" right underneath. It also comes with two springs so that it slams real hard when you swing it wide and let it go. Only bad thing is it only hangs from the right.

Frederick said...

Next summer I think I'm going to buy a couple of speedboats and take over the Great Lakes. I probably won't even have to fire a shot.

The last time the British tried it they pulled it off without a shot fired.

michael greenwell said...

what about bushproof pretzels

come to think of it, what about pretzelproof bushes

Larry said...

At least he found the place.

MichaelBains said...

Well, I hate to be the one to break the news to you, Neil, but "that conquering the Great Lakes with a few speedboats thing" was already done a couple o' summers back.

They didn't even notice.

Not even the missing Coast Guarders!

Guess we all just figured it was part of the War Of.. err.. On Terror and kept our minds on our own businesses.

Sorry, boss.

Don't think those "Doors of Humility" would sell too well 'round these parts either, but I really like that CHILDPROOF SANDWICH concept a lot! PICTURELESS POSTCARDS too.

Get Cracklin' amigo!

JM said...

I'm looking forward to the "pictureless postcards"; I suspect they'll be a big hit!

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