MR. CRISP GOES TO BETHLEHEM

BETHLEHEM, West Bank, Jan 10 (Reuters) - Passing through a tiny "Door of Humility", U.S. President George W. Bush made a pilgrimage to the traditional birthplace of Jesus on Thursday in the occupied West Bank.

"Door of Humility", huh? Geez, that must have been a bit of a stretch for Mr. Crisp.

I hadn't heard much about my hero of late. I guess I assumed he must be out mountain biking or cutting brush or masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom to naked pictures of Karl, but here he was showing up in Bethlehem to visit the Baby Jesus. Alas, the Baby Jesus wasn't there. I happen to know where the Baby Jesus is. He's hanging out with Roger Clemens in an undisclosed location until this steroid thing blows over. He is unequivocally denying everything, hoping to buy time so those needle marks in his ass have time to heal.

But Mr. Crisp didn't know that, of course. Too bad. I could have saved him a trip.

Then again maybe it's good for Mr. Crisp that he didn't know. Maybe it's good for him to get out for awhile, to get away, to try to put a shine on that badly tarnished legacy. Nixon did the same thing and look what it did for his.

And Mr. Crisp had arrived in The Holy Land just in time, just when Iran was attacking our mighty warships with speedboats. It gave Mr. Crisp an opportunity to hammer home his point of what a danger Iran posed to world security, what with all those powerful speedboats of theirs.

Next summer I think I'm going to buy a couple of speedboats and take over the Great Lakes. I probably won't even have to fire a shot.

The U.S. Coast Guard, I'm sure, will cower in my wake, afraid of all those "Born to be Crisp" bumper stickers plastered all over my stern.

But wait! I'm letting my pride get carried away with me. No, that sounds like something Mr. Crisp would say, like that time he was campaigning in Wisconsin and he said, "Wisconsin: Where Wings Take Dream!". I like that one. That's always been one of my favorites from "Little Visits With Mr. Crisp". That and the time he was disparaging the laziness of the French and said, "The French have no word for entrepreneur."

True, "I'm letting my pride get carried away with me" isn't nearly as crisp as the wise and pithy sayings of Mr. Crisp, but at least I'm starting to get a bit of a crackle going. And I'm starting to have some good, crisp ideas, like that conquering the Great Lakes with a few speedboats thing.

Other crisp ideas I've had lately are 1) PICTURELESS POSTCARDS (I think they'll be a big hit), and 2) CHILDPROOF SANDWICHES.

Ah, but it's good to hear some news about Mr. Crisp again!

He so inspires me.

I am so inspired right now, in fact, that I can't wait for the sun to come up so I can go out and buy a new door, a "Door of Humility", so I can go through it, just like Mr. Crisp.

Do they carry those at Home Depot, do you suppose?